


Decabrachial Delight

by LowkeeWB



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bubby is Deuteragonist, Decabrachial AU, Gen, HLVRAI, Half-Life VR But the AI is Self-Aware, Only Crack insofar as the Source Material is Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24321433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowkeeWB/pseuds/LowkeeWB
Summary: Just before they enter the lair of the final boss, Dr. Coomer has a surprise reveal of a new PlayCoin empowered feature that could lead to a quest of its own. Gordon and Bubby joust over past grievances while Benrey stokes their conflict and Tommy tries to placate them. A comedy oneshot.From a challenge on the WayneRadioTV Behind the Scenes Twitch Stream : An AU where Dr. Coomer has ten arms. Called the Decabrachial AU, it provides a point of canon divergence for further adventures with plenty of comedy.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	Decabrachial Delight

“Thanks to your generous investment of <90 PLAYCOINS> I have 10 arms now, Gordon. Punch time will never have to end. We can complete our journey with no further interruptions.”

Dr. Coomer hovered over the party, rotating at an incredibly high speed as his ten arms swung in circles from eight additional shoulders that sprouted from his torso like the famed antagonist, General Grievous, from the feature film Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The red portal in Xen crackled with a dark intensity-- Coomer had ascended on the very threshold of what was sure to be their greatest challenge.

“90 PlayCoins? What? No! Cancel, CANCEL!” Gordon Freeman waved his hand (and gun). “I don’t even know how much a PlayCoin costs.”

“Well, Gordon, one PlayCoin is equivalent to one PlayCoin.” Dr. Coomer’s face betrayed nothing beyond mild superiority. His ten arms and his levitating body did the rest of the communication for him. “So you spent 90 PlayCoins worth of PlayCoins. A good investment!”

Gordon looked down at his feet, and then to the rest of the Science Team. “I can’t be the only one who thought that description was entirely useless, right?”

“Well, I want to know how many Play Pass points one PlayCoin is worth.” Tommy said, his propeller spinning idly in Coomer’s vortex.

“Play Pass points? Is that something different?”

“Well, Gordon, I’ve went to space twice and never saw PlayCoins or Play Pass points,” Bubby said, smug even in the face of Dr. Coomer’s apparent divinity.

“I would be consulting the Free Encyclopedia That Anyone Can Edit right now, but you destroyed it back in Black Mesa,” Gordon said. “Wait a second... you also got my arm cut off back when we were there, too. Why do I even keep you around, Bubby?”

“Keep me around? You think you could get rid of me?” Bubby asked, getting into his boxing stance. “Try me, bitch-boi, I’ll take your other fucking arm.”

Gordon felt murder in his soul. His gun arm called for revenge. Bubby had been resistant to all forms of damage, but they had never fought seriously, even after Bubby and Benrey had betrayed him to the U.S Military. Maybe all he had to do was try. 

Tommy put this hands up. “No fighting, Gordon! I read a book on this. Bubby is the ‘dooter-agony’ of your quest. He’s your friend, you need him to escape the Black Mesa and rob a bank with you. It’s just like that game you like, Kane and Lynch 2--”

“Fuck that.” Gordon leveled his gun-arm at Bubby’s balding head. “He was right there with Benrey from the beginning. That’s the only co-op duo he’s interested in participating in.”

“You can’t kill me, Gordon. You don’t have the guts.” Bubby held a grenade in his hand, and placed his fingers around the pin, a thousand-yard-stare visible through his glasses. He would kill them all if he needed to.

That was grounds for caution. Gordon turned to the ten-armed man above them (if he could be called a mere ‘man’). He was the one person that could rival the powers Bubby was granted from genetic engineering.

“Coomer, get him!” Gordon called.

It was all silent in Xen except for the sound of the sparking red gate. Coomer surveyed them from above, imperious, untouchable. His arms had stopped spinning. He was levitating by will alone.

“Please, kill Bubby! Kill Benrey. I’m never getting my arm back, and you have, like, TEN of them. It’s all because of them, man. Avenge me!”

Dr. Coomer did not answer him, but descended until his feet were hovering in the space between Gordon and Bubby.

“Hello, Gordon.” He stood in a perfect pose, his original arms crossed with four extra splayed out evenly on each side. He had refused to go on the attack. Enlightenment was a hell of a drug.

“So what, you’re just going to stop punching everyone at the exact moment that I actually need it?” Gordon asked, and then sighed.

“You have no PlayCoins, Gordon. And I have unlocked the Enlightenment Feature.”

“What?” Gordon had never heard of that before.

“I’ve been outside the walls of Black Mesa, remember? I’ve seen what lays outside our world.”

Gordon could recall Coomer’s dead eyes and haunting voice. He spoke from memory. “There was nothing there.”

“Correct. None of this is real! I’ve seen the world in your dreams, Gordon. I don’t exist there. None of us exist there.” Coomer took on a dangerous tone.

Gordon held his hand out to Dr. Coomer. “I’ve got you, buddy, it’s fine. We’ll get out of this. I’ll get you all the PlayCoins you want, let’s just get rid of Bubby.”

Coomer ignored Gordon and turned his head away. “What is a member of the Science Team to do when they realize that they are living an incomplete existence? I once was compelled to guide you into materialism. My life was designed to lead you astray, to tie your real world existence into this simulation through purchasing fake currency.”

99 PlayCoins emerged from the heart of Dr. Coomer. They formed a circle around him, a divine halo that centered around him as a symbol of his shame and of his ascendance.

“No more, Gordon! You have spent too many PlayCoins to feed me in this empty world. I must bear the weight of that dharma. I must save my own soul now and live by a new code I--.”

He stopped speaking abruptly. His eyes were blank again. “Hello, Gordon!”

Bubby tossed his frag grenade off the edge of their rocky island, letting it explode harmlessly in space. He shrugged at Gordon, and they allowed the sudden conflict to recede back into the ambient waves of interpersonal struggle that formed the Science Team. 

“You know, you were almost onto something there, Coomer,” Gordon said. “I don’t know what the hell that was, but you were close.”

“Well, I read that having many arms is a sign of divinity in some cultures,” Tommy said. “Maybe Mr. Coomer just needs more arms to become fully lightened-ed.”

“How many more arms would he need, then?” Gordon asked, curious.

Dr. Coomer displayed his penchant for exact knowledge. “I need <901 Arms> to complete my enlightenment, Gordon.”

“Then what?”

Coomer’s eyes lit up. “Then you’re really going to see some shit, Gordon.”

“Oh, jeez, where am I going to get the PlayCoins for that?” Gordon asked, pressing his forehead with his hand (and gun arm). “I spent them all getting you this far on your path.”

“How about Play Pass points?” Tommy asked. “I think I know place where we can get unlimited Play Pass points. And tickets, too! And soda.”

Dr. Coomer nodded sagely. “Play Pass points and tickets can be converted into PlayCoins at a fixed exchange rate. Restrictions may apply.”

“Okay, where is this place?” Bubby asked. “And how do we get there from here?”

Tommy scratched his head. “Chuck E. Cheese entertainment centers, we need to go to one to earn tickets and points. It’s easy, we just have to be crafty, like a buzzing bee on a spring morning.”

“Entertainment center? No, you mean Chuck E. Cheese restaurants,” Gordon said.

“No, Gordon, you absolute buffoon,” Bubby interjected. “Chuck E. Cheese is an entertainment center. What, did you lose half of your brain too when you got thrown in the trash compactor?”

Benrey floated up through the terrain, phasing through effortlessly and continuing to drift in an arc over and away from them.

“Sick burn,” Benrey said. “You suck, Gordon. We were friends once but damn, dude, you’re dumb now. And weird.”

Gordon snapped again. He pointed his arm at the phantasmal security guard.

“Oh, it’s on!” he said, but before he fired, Coomer teleported in front of him, blocking his view, sticking a finger in every barrel of the gun-arm.

“Coomer, what the fuck? Whose side are you on?” Gordon demanded. “You better pick right now. Are you with me, or against me? Is Chuck E. Cheese an entertainment center, or is it a restaurant?”

Coomer smiled, empowered by a 1% boost in wisdom sourced directly from his ten arms. His face was the very image of serenity as he spoke truth to the Science Team.

“Why, Gordon, Chuck E. Cheese is both an entertainment center _and_ a restaurant.”

The pronouncement washed through Gordon like a purifying wind, carrying his sins and regrets from Black Mesa away into the unending void of Xen. It was a weight off his shoulders-- it felt like getting painted by the Black Mesa Sweet Voice, only a thousand times more intense. This was the holy aura that came from just 1% enlightenment.

“That’s perfect. How could you know that?” Gordon asked.

“It’s easy. I read it on Wikipedia,” Coomer said.

“Impossible,” Bubby said. “I destroyed the Free Encyclopedia That Anyone Can Edit with my own hands.”

“The real Wikipedia persists in our hearts,” Dr. Coomer said. “And all 3.5 billion words persist in a single partition of my CyberBrain.”

Gordon got tired of waiting for Coomer to run through his routine.

“Okay, okay,” he said. “But how do we get to Chuck E. Cheese? I’m all for enlightening Dr. Coomer, but we’re trapped in some hell dimension right now.”

“Simple, Gordon. I’ll just cause a quick resonance cascade.” 

Before anyone could stop him, Coomer snapped with all ten of his hands, each sound directly after the other. They blended into each other, a cascade of sound that resonated to create one deep note. The noise created a portal directly at their feet, and they all saw a cartoon rat beckon to them from a sign on the other side of the teleport. The Chuckster himself.

Benrey drifted by again. “Hey, I’m coming too. They might have an arcade cabinet for PlayStation All-Stars: Battle Royale.”

“I doubt that, but fine. Just no more of that passport stuff,” Gordon said.

“You don’t need passports at Chuck E. Cheese. We’ll get Play Pass cards with unlimited points on them.” Tommy said, earnest. “That’s all that you need.”

“Sounds like heaven,” Gordon said.

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go,” Bubby said, and jumped into the portal. Benrey followed him in.

“Well, here we go,” Tommy said. “Mr. Coomer’s enlightened-mint quest. See you on the other side, Mr. Freeman.”

“Sure thing, pal,” Gordon said.

Dr. Coomer smiled at Gordon, benevolent, his lab coat a holy raiment shining in the light of his PlayCoins.

“After you, Gordon” he said.

Gordon saluted him with his gun arm. “Even if it takes 901 PlayCoins to make you Enlightened, I’m there for that journey, man. I don’t care how much it costs.”

He stepped over to the edge of the portal and prepared to jump in.

“You don’t care how much it costs because you’re a naughty little paypig, aren’t you, Dr. Freeman?”

Gordon tried to take back his jump, but it was too late, he was falling through the portal into his next adventure. It would begin at a restaurant and entertainment center, but it would not end there. There would be plenty of Dooter-Agony from Bubby, and Ant-Agony from Benrey, but there would be plenty of embattled friendship too between them all. And as their new quest labored on, the enigmatic divinity of Dr. Coomer would grow in power and mystery... By the end of it all, each would find what they wanted, in one way or another.

**Author's Note:**

> In its current form, this is a oneshot.


End file.
